This month, we are launching a new blog, Spotlight Series, in which parent and writer Christine Dearing will ‘shine a light’ on noteworthy books, articles and videos that we think may appeal to parents, teens and young adults interested in education, career development and personal growth. We’d love to know what you think of the blog and if there are any areas you’d like us to ‘illuminate’ in future posts.
Christine Dearing is a former policy analyst and advisor who has worked as a researcher for the Senate of Canada, as a political assistant to both federal and provincial members of Parliament, and as a civil servant in federal-provincial relations. After obtaining her MA in Political Science at UBC, she became involved with the West Coast Women’s Legal Education and Action Fund in Vancouver, ultimately as President of the Vancouver branch. She later worked closely with Vancouver developmental psychologist, Gordon Neufeld, providing input and editing support for his best-selling book, Hold on to your Kids. Parenting her three children, now 17, 21 and 24, has been the most inspirational and motivating endeavour she has undertaken yet. Christine lives in Vancouver with her husband and children and remains an avid reader of fiction and non-fiction alike.
Spotlight Series: The Defining Decade
As 2017 begins, many of us renew our commitments to healthy, productive habits and goals. Clinical psychologist Meg Jay’s 2012 book The Defining Decade may be worth a look for anyone interested in gaining a better understanding about challenges facing young people after secondary school and on ways to thrive during the post-secondary years. Addressed to twenty-somethings and aimed at dispelling myths like, “your twenties don’t matter”, “everything happens later now – work, marriage, family”, “thirty is the new twenty”, Jay’s book and accompanying TED Talk provide a compelling and straightforward message for making the most of this defining period of young adulthood.
Jay’s book opens with quotes from young people stating:
“This book absolutely nails what it’s like to be a frightened, confused, despairing twentysomething…”
“Your book was life changing, and I feel liberated. I have a sense of direction now, a purpose…”
“I’m in my early 30s and most of my friends who worked hard and persevered through difficulties during their 20s are doing much better than me. I only wish more young people would hear your message.”
Jay’s clinical psychology practice focuses on adult development and twentysomethings. In her book and talk, she shares the experience of one of her clients who laments that she is in her late twenties with nothing to show for herself, no real resume, no relationships, and no direction. She had thought she had all the time in the world to figure things out but suddenly realized time was possibly running out. Like many young people today, she had been thinking of her twenties as an extended period of adolescence and trivialized the experiences she was having, instead of trying to build on them to work toward a larger goal.
All twenty or thirty somethings – and the parents, relatives, friends, and employers, who live with, work with or care about them – will find either the TED Talk or the book both inspiring and empowering.
Jay makes a captivating case for recognizing the twenties for what they are: NOT a “developmental downtime” but rather, a “development sweet spot”.
Your twenties matter for countless reasons, including:
- Eighty percent of life’s most defining moments at work and in relationships take place by the age of 35
- Two-thirds of life-time wage growth occurs over the first ten years of a career
- More than half of all people are married, dating, or living with their future partner by the time they are 30
- Personality changes more during the 20s than at any time before or after
- The brain completes its final growth spurt as the 20s end
- Female fertility peaks before the age of 30
These statistics underscore Jay’s message around taking your twenties more seriously and speak to the importance of having a plan, a timeline, and an understanding of who and what you want to be and become.
But though Jay indeed sounds the alarm about the need to recognize the importance of the twenties, she also provides practical, realistic advice. The book offers concrete examples of ways in which young people can develop a more authentic, meaningful life and move closer to meeting their career and relationship goals.
It all boils down to three simple concepts in Jay’s view:
First get some “identity capital”. This involves choosing jobs and activities that add value to who you are as a person. Think of this step as investing in ‘who you might want to be next’. It could mean taking a course you have always dreamed about but never found a way to fit it into your schedule. Or it could involve spending more time with the people who really share your interests instead of the ones you’ve bumped along beside out of proximity.
Second, realize that now is the best time for exploration and that new and exciting opportunities often are the result of exploring weak ties – your roommate’s cousin may have a job you’ve always thought sounded intriguing; your neighbour’s boss offers internships in another city that you’d quite like to investigate. There is a difference, Jay suggests, between procrastination and meaningful exploration with people and jobs that may not yield all the answers, but that will get you farther down the path to discovering who you really want to be.
Finally, choose to be intentional and mindful with relationships. Often, the friends you make in your twenties are those you will have for life. It pays to be ambitious with your career and equally ambitious about your relationships. Jay encourage readers to get to know themselves well first, to spend time truly thinking about what makes them tick and then being honest about the kind of partner and friends are the best fit.
Jay’s advice is well researched, sincere, and sympathetic. She does not shy away from recognizing the challenges inherent in ‘growing up’ and carefully but clearly urges young people to avoid the trap of deferring decisions about self, career and family by taking action.
One of Jay’s simplest messages may resonate particularly strongly as a new year, full of new promise and energy, begins: “There is a big difference between having a life in your thirties and starting a life in your thirties.” The Defining Decade offers sound advice and counsel for starting on the path to a more meaningful, productive, authentic life during the twenties.
The Defining Decade, Why Your Twenties Matter and How to Make the Most of Them Now, Meg Jay, PhD, Twelve, Hachette Book Group, New York, NY, 2013.
